As some of you may recall, I have some odd light fixtures in my house. There was an unfathomable amount of interest in my pirate sconces so I thought you would like to see the next wave of light fixtures.

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I call these light fixtures – ‘The Lamps of Lost Souls’ (don’t let their golden-y aura mislead you – they are the bad and the ugly). Also,  I don’t actually speak to these fixtures because that would be weird and would make me sorta crazy (waving arms wildly over upper body – snakes! Snakes!!) and I am totally not crazy – but these fixtures do talk to me and on occasion, you just have to respond (some things just can’t go unchallenged unless you’re some sort of punk):

Lamps of the Lost Souls: just a matter of time … you know what I’m talking ’bout

Me: I do not and besides, you haven’t come through on your end … I still don’t make any money off that stupid blog

or

Lamps of the Lost Souls: Hey MoFo! Do you think you could manage to clean me?

Me: Sorry, no can do … and you’re the mofo

or

Lamps of the Lost Souls: Yo Momma!

Me: No … Your Momma!

Lamps of the Lost Souls: [just as I'm walking out the room] Yo Momma!

Me: [turning back into room, one foot in the Den, the other still in the playroom] No … Your Momma!

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It’s a light fixture, not Umberto Eco – what sort of conversations were you expecting?

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I know that when these lamps get too rowdy, I will simply threaten them -

“do you want to go back to Tres Amigos Restaurant?” (or was it Earl’s Steak and Meat Emporium Eatery??)

Doesn’t matter, either one works. But for now, these pendant light fixtures reside in the playroom of my house – the area that used to be an outside patio but was converted to an interior WTF space some unknown time period ago. In the right environment, these light fixtures – which look like they were designed to entomb the lost souls of the damned (hence their name) – could provide just the right amount of personality for some hipster and they would be loved. As things go, they are hanging in the playroom above the head of my precious and otherworldly talented daughter as she plays animal pet shop or animal hospital or animal adoption center, and they are creepy.

I wish my brain worked properly and that instead of seeing  3-dimensional constructs for damned souls that I saw ‘Gems of Unlimited Magic and Power‘ –  initially fueled by the first drop of light produced a distant star that has long since gone supernova (c’mon – that not that big a stretch … it’s possible). We would have awesome conversations -

Gems of Unlimited Magic and Power: Wassup!

Me: Wasssssssuupppppppp!

or

Gems of Unlimited Magic and Power: How’s it hanging?

Me: Pretty good. How’s it hanging with you?

Gems of Unlimited Magic and Power: (makes double clicking sound and makes magic pistol fingers at me) Hanging from the ceiling!

Me: OOohhhhh … good one G.U.M.P! Do you think you could babysit this weekend?

Gems of Unlimited Magic and Power: Anything for you awesome buddy!   [whispering after I have left the room]  I love him ….

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Although … it really would be decent of me to clean the fixtures no matter how they behave – maybe that’s the first step on this road to recovery?

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No – I don’t think so. I want these pendant fixtures to go dodo bird on me. If only I knew of a lighting manufacturer who would want to hook me up and have me write a post about how the ‘Lamps of Lost Souls’ were replaced with their version of ‘Gems of Unlimited Magic and Power’ where a bazillion people would read all about it and totally start buying fixtures from them.

If only…

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