Me + My House = Sucketh

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1) sucketh (verb) \ˈsək-eth\ : a posh, Shakespearean way of saying “Suck”.

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By all measurable standards, I am an expert at single family houses and all thing residential. Why? I’ve lived in them my whole life, I’ve personally gone through the buying and selling of a bunch of them (and this one might be a biggie) I design them for a living! I have strong opinions about what makes a well designed house – including the small things that at least makes it better. I have been trained to solve spacial and aesthetic problems systematically so that the value of the end product exceeds the sum of its parts. My experience (supposedly) allows me to make informed and qualified design decisions in areas that don’t follow my personal tastes and predilections.

So why doth my house sucketh so verily!?!

I am reminded of when I had a job as blackjack dealer one summer … I was like Svengali (if he was a blackjack dealer). You as a player couldn’t beat me as a dealer and I could tell every player how to play their hand to increase their odds at finding success … but as soon as I moved around the table and sat down as a player? Worst. Player. EVAR! Knowing something doesn’t always seem to translate into personal execution … sometimes you can know too much.

I’ve come on to the website here several times talking the big talk about how I’m going to do this and change that, make this better, brighter, increase functionality while visually maintaining the design aesthetic of my 1967 modern house. I haven’t done anything… and it is driving me AND my wife crazy.

Remember Ye Olde Sconces? … still there and yes, they still sucketh.

How about the concrete floors? … yep, they still sucketh as well (but at least my fingers aren’t all melty)

Surely the white painted wood ceilings … I mean, c’mon … those have been painted right!? … Nope. Not only have I not painted the ceilings, but I’ve also gone back to questioning the logic behind painting them white in the first place. (I sucketh).

Okay, but the Master Party Time wocka-wocka Shower with the 3 sets of sliding doors IN the shower? … No. It still displeases me, I said displeased!!

[sad face]

Yes, I know … I can hear what you’re thinking: “Cheezus Borson, you totally sucketh the _________“. And you would be right in thinking that because I can’t seem to make a decision and pull the trigger on getting anything done. Partially it’s because we keep changing our priorities based on the latest thing that is currently sucketh-ing the most. Then there is the money to pay for whatever it is that we are considering. If I’m being completely honest with you (and I always am) it’s because I ~~tend to~~ might (maybe) make everything 10x harder than it really needs to be. Everything has to be BIG picture because I don’t like doing things 50% of the way.

Here’s a good example that might explain what I am getting at (and I love anecdotes): The cabinets in the utility room could possibly fall off the wall at any moment …note if you’re my wife reading this (unlikely) don’t worry about it. The upper cabinet would fall and hit the washer and dryer so as long as you duck down the moment the cabinet breaks free, you won’t get hurt (much) … and they really should be replaced. I haven’t done anything about it because we were considering an addition to the house (at one point) and I think (haven’t actually designed anything) the laundry room would move into the addition (that won’t get built .. but could). So as a result, what happens?

Nothing … sigh (followed by a sucketh)

In another moment of absolute honesty, the cost associated with doing things as completely as I think they need to be done, normally proves to be … ahem … prohibitive. I must admit that I used to think that having this blog (and all the awesome readers that come along with it) would lead to vendors and subcontractors lining up outside my proverbial door to help me with my home projects because they know that I tend to talk about stuff like that.

Awesome Vendor #1: I see that you wanted some Tolomeo Wall Shade Sconces to replace “Ye Olde Sconces” in your house. Let me send the 4 you need over right away.”

Awesome Vendor #2: I bet you are going to need some tile for that master bathroom renovation, let me know what you’re looking for…”

and so on and so forth. Guess what people – it hasn’t happened. I try to tell my wife that this blog is sorta popular in the AEC industry circles and that I get [open air quote fingers] recognized by my avatar [closed air quote fingers] whenever I go somewhere (like the AIA National Convention, not the local grocery store although the guy working in the produce section was looking at me in a knowing sort of way the other day… not sure what that meant). Somehow, most of what my new-found “fame” has gotten me is an endless supply of emails from people asking for free advice. I still try to answer all the ones I receive unless they start with:

“I have a school project where I am supposed to interview someone about their profession. Could you answer these 300 questions about architecture, (including but not limited to) will I make any money? How much money do you make? I’m not good at math, does that matter? Do you have to sit in front of your computer all day? Tell me about your life and all the decisions you’ve made up to this point, … and existentialism … and how it pertains to the practice of architecture? Oh yeah, and what should I do about my fence? What about granite tile counter tops? [… etc.]

So what got me thinking about this anyways? Who knows … I have had some meetings with some folks about making some revisions at Casa ~~de PeePee~~ Borson but they aren’t any of the projects I listed above. Aren’t architects – particularly residential architects – supposed to have awesome houses? Based on what’s popular in my neighborhood, my house suckeths but my architecture buddies all like it, (but they don’t actually have to live there and use it). I think this time I might hold off until something actually happens before I start talking about it here on LoaA. In the meantime, maybe there are some DIY projects I might take on – I’ve always wanted to do something with concrete, just don’t know what, maybe a trough water feature or a planter or something.