Forsooth I speaketh of my hatred for ye …
In the deepeth-est part of mine bowels, I wisheth that Thy would die of death until dead.
One look at the wall sconces in the master bedroom and you must acknowledge that my hate for these fixtures is well justified. When I walk into my bedroom I can’t help but think that lurking around the corner is the ghost of the Sea Captain who ran the pirate crew on the ship where these fixtures were clearly salvaged. He feels like his booty was stolen and he wants his stateroom lights back. Once I explain to the good Captain that the light no longer comes from whale blubber candles, he doesn’t want them back and decides he can finally rest in peace in Davy Jones locker where the lighting is assuredly better. Just before he apparates out of the room, he tells me that he thinks they suck too … and that they are cursed and the light will create shadows under my eyes and make me look even older than I really am … BWUHahaahaahaa Rrrrr!!
If you’re really observant, you’ll notice that little dome that hangs down over the modern-day whale blubber candle is literally hanging down from a tiny chain and hits the top of the bulb, throwing the cap askew. Great – of course, it does. See, if it were level it wouldn’t be awesome anymore. And how about that finish? – oil rubbed bronze Mmmmmm…. Pretty sure there isn’t a genie in this lamp but if there was, I’m not going to let it out because I’m positive that it would be pissed about being trapped in that fixture. As soon as it came out it would vaporize me and turn me into a double rainbow all the way across the sky.
Do you like it better when the light is actually turned on? No? I know what you’re thinking (no I don’t) – that I’ve captured a rare Omega particle that I have suspended in a cylinder made from Quantonium and I have discovered a way to harvest its awesome galaxy creating power into a soul extinguishing 40 watts of light. Behold!! (None of that is true.)
So the table has been set – I don’t like this fixture (a term I use very loosely) and I am in the market to replace it. Only I don’t really like picking out light fixtures – it’s unpleasant for me. I have no problems telling you what I like and don’t like and I could explain why I don’t like picking light fixtures out – I just don’t want to other than to say it’s because there are 4,387,658,391 possible selections out there and in order to find them requires flipping through 4,387,658,391 vendor catalogs.
Yes … it’s the same number.
I like this fixture – the Tolomeo Wall Shade Sconce – but can’t get myself to commit. Despite being iconic and awesome, it’s $400+ per fixture (ahem … to any and all Tolomeo lighting representatives reading this post – I need 4 of them, please and thank you). If you are wondering how I have this fixture in my possession and hanging on my wall when you can infer from the previous sentence that I haven’t bought it – just don’t worry about that – I have my ways. It isn’t wired up and if a butterfly landed on it, it would probably fall off the wall and then I would actually own it.
(note to amateurs: post-it notes should never be used to hang wall sconces … but I am a professional and know what I am doing)
Another issue I have is that the sconces are located higher on the wall than I would have set them if this was a new project. But since that is genuine 3/4″ masonry stucco on the interior wall, I can’t move it without creating a whole new level of pain for myself. Damn you stucco on the inside of my house! I have plans on ripping the stucco out at some point, adding some additional windows and coming back with sheetrock, clean, sweet freshly painted sheetrock … I wonder if my wife would let me do this over the weekend? Just thinking about it makes me happy! Oooh, cutting the sheet-rock around all those beams at the ceiling has brought me back down.
Sometimes being an architect completely sucks. Why did I have to be cursed with such awesome taste and fabulous style? WHY!!
Yes – that is green carpet … You shut it!